Porridge…

Porridge…

Sep 17

…is one thing you won’t get as part of the BRX Bond Street breakfast. But last Thursday we did get a group trip to see The Shawshank Redemption at Wyndham’s Theatre, superbly organised as usual by Louise Hassett of Delfont Mackintosh Theatres. So in blogging Friday’s breakfast meeting I’ve decided to maintain the penology theme.

After all there’s little difference between the rough, hardened, grizzled bunch who gather together to plot, gossip, swap information and form alliances – and the prisoners at Shawshank. So here’s what goes on within the grim confines of HMP RAF Club.

Mike Nightingale of Green Park Insurance is the ruthless, cold-hearted guvnor (well, Bond Street chairman). With a quiet air of menace that says ‘you will do as you are told’, he enforces his authority by getting us to queue up for breakfast at the unearthly hour of 7.30am. Though to be fair bacon, sausage, scrambled egg, mushrooms, tomatoes, croissants, toast, Danish pastries, and a much admired fresh fruit platter, are quite decent prison slops. On the outside Mike’s sharpness and ability not to miss a trick means he wins business by getting the best possible deals for his clients. This week he advised a property lawyer who had a separate householder insurer and his Jaguar and Bentley Continental with another insurer, that he could get a lower premium by insuring everything with Chubb who could do it all.

In contrast to Mike’s ‘nasty warden’, as vice chairman Richard Houldsworth of Splatt Print keeps the inmates in line by playing the ‘nice warden’. He assures us he offers a very personal service, talking through solutions and coming up with options. For example, he recently helped a concierge service, whose designers had recommended a route that would cost £1,500, by showing them how they could bring the costs down to £450. As Richard says he’ll ‘hold your hand’ – so that’s what they call it in prison.

Every jail needs someone to do the books, but in contrast to the dubious goings on at Shawshank, Bond Street treasurer Roy Duncan manages to do everything above board and keep the group in profit. (Rare skills – we’ll have to do something to ensure he never gets out). As an ex-accountant himself, his company RD Duncan Accountancy Recruitment can find the right people to help you gain financial control of your business and help your company through and out of the recession.

Kirsty Joly of Perfectly Tempered is fast getting a reputation as the hottest young chocolatier in London. She’s currently involved in chocolate and Malbec tastings for Gaucho and has her fingers in lots of other pies – chocolate ones presumably – too confidential to mention here. Kirsty’s popularity with her fellow inmates is no surprise as she is highly skilled at hiding things in delicious chocolate – mint, cumin, thyme, garlic, chilli, files, pickaxes, handguns*.

Johanna Newhall of Delfont Mackintosh Theatres is the ‘fixer’. You want the best seats at a sold out play? Just have a quiet word. She can organise a corporate, group or private theatre visit to The Shawshank Redemption or to any of the other plays and musicals at the seven theatres that she and Louise Hassett are responsible for. She’s a useful resource for concierge services – Johanna recently arranged a champagne reception in a private room for a young British starlet who wanted to see Hamlet without extra fuss and publicity.

Baby-faced Lewis Malka of Joseph Sterling jewellers usually has various precious gems secreted about his person, which he’ll bring out if you ask nicely. But do not be taken in by his persona of sweet innocence. Before you can say ‘engagement ring’ he’ll have whipped out his scales and stripped you bare of any gold accoutrements (though he will give you a decent price). On the 1^st November he has special leave so he can run in the New York marathon for Meir Panim, a charity that provides food cards for Israelis living in poverty, many of whom are Holocaust survivors. You can sponsor him at www.justgiving.com/lewismalka . We trust that he’ll make it back.

If you’re not lucky enough to enjoy free accommodation via the comforts of your own taxpayer-funded prison cell, Nigel Hakkak of Red Brick Financial can help you find the best route for a mortgage. He can give impartial advice on whether you should move mortgages or not and this week advised a client on how to get more benefit from their offset mortgage.

Inmate Hiten Thaker of Revolution Creative Agency specialises in design, branding and publications. This week his hard labour has consisted of putting together a 48 page catalogue for a firm of jewellers – working with 400 images, he did all the spreads by hand. Hiten would like introductions to jewellers or other companies wanting meticulous, beautifully designed catalogues.

When prisoners can’t get into the PC room, it’s good to know that they can now access the internet on their mobile phones. However, Christian Ingerslev of Danesoft tells us that not many people have websites adapted to mobiles, despite the fact that the number of people searching the internet on mobile phones is increasing by 200% every three months. So if your company wants to attract the mobile market contact Christian.

Mike Segall of JNET Radio seems uncannily familiar with the authentic prison experience, saying “Sitting in a dark room with the lights off, no one knows you’re there.” And he has recently returned to Bond Street after a rather mysterious six months ‘away’. But apparently his words were referring to the importance of publicity for businesses – yes of course we believe you Mike. Mike founded JNET Radio, an internet radio station with a Jewish perspective, three months ago and is currently offering a 30s radio ad to his affluent niche audience for less than £4 a slot.

Andrew Burch and the other Sayers Butterworth accountants are not to be messed with, making light work of auditing, accounting, bookkeeping, payroll and tax. Andrew assures us the Sayers Butterworth gang are grade A heavies – or at least that most of the partners have a ‘big firm’ background and are able to offer the same level of service at considerably less cost. Andrew and his cohorts at ‘the firm’ would like to hear from people who are currently with one of the big six accountants and are either unhappy with the service or want better value.

In Sanjeev Shah we have an insider at HSBC. Sanjeev is a local business manager with a portfolio of 250 clients, whom he contacts regularly and provides with a ‘hand holding’ service. He would like introductions to people who are not happy with their existing banks.

This week’s 10 minutes is from mobile specialist Mab Ayuub. Mab has worked for all the large mobile companies and set up his own company Tancroft Communications in May of this year. He provides a full range of mobile devices – mobile phones, Blackberries and data cards – handy for keeping up with loved ones and ‘business’ interests on the outside. His company covers a complete spectrum of services from bespoke solutions for blue chips and corporates to off-the-shelf plans for SMEs. Tancroft’s clients range from banks to the YMCA, the Liberal Democrats and Stringfellows. Mab doesn’t appear to understand the concept of lifelong incarceration and appears to be under the impression he’ll shortly be free to make an appearance at the Liberal Democrat Conference. Though has anyone checked behind the portraits in the Presidents’ Room?

Of course when you get out of the clink you’ll need some new threads, and who better to supply them than Roy Block of Suits To Your Door. Roy brings suits to busy people who don’t like shopping – or perhaps have other reasons why they’re not free to get out to the shops – and can fit you up whatever your size or shape.

Finally “remember that hope is a good thing…maybe the best of things…and no good thing ever dies.” Old lag … or rather resident coach George Metcalfe would certainly agree with that. Whatever heinous crimes and dreadful deeds you may have committed in the past (and Bond Street arguably has its fair share of reprobates and dubious characters), George is completely non-judgemental and acts with tact and complete confidentiality to help his clients move onwards and upwards.

Of course, inside every institution is a ‘Mr Big’ – the all-knowing quiet presence we cannot speak of who really runs the prison.

Paul Marmor presented Sherrards solicitors to the group.

Prison visitors this week were: Karelia Scott-Daniels of Manse & Garret subbing for Alexis Garnaut-Miller of The Happiness Centre, Katherine Spode subbing for George Emsden of In2 Consulting and Bill Coomber of Praxis Proactive Solutions.

Stepping inside the BRX Bond Street Correctional Facility is a daunting experience. Prepare to meet the toughest of the tough; serial networkers capable of unimaginable acts in the quest to give top referrals.

This was brought to you by Caroline Hampstead , advertising copywriter, writing from within the safety of my high-security, steel-plated isolation cell for fear of getting lynched.

*Some of these are speculation.